


Premature Laughterbator

by EmpireMurderer



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Assemble - Freeform, Bad Jokes, Except Steve Rogers, Gen, New Avenger Facility, Nick Fury is Not Amused, Nick Fury is Samuel L. Jackson in disguise, Precious Peter Parker, The Avengers Say Bad Words, There's a Tag for, They're all friends here, awkward teenager
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21823156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmpireMurderer/pseuds/EmpireMurderer
Summary: It is common knowledge around the New Avengers Facility that Peter Parker is TERRIBLE at telling jokes.
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Tony Stark, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Peter Parker & Steve Rogers & Tony Stark
Kudos: 22





	Premature Laughterbator

It is common knowledge around the New Avengers Facility that Peter Parker is TERRIBLE at telling jokes.

* * *

While sitting down to breakfast one day, Scott Lang was introduced to the young superhero’s wry humor.

“Hey, so, uh, you like jokes?”

Scott was feeling mildly tolerant. “Sure. Go ahead.”

And this was the point where the teenager devolved into little fits of giggles. His mouth twitched as he fumbled a few words around with tittering glee. Scott waited patiently, though not without a burgeoning look of bewilderment to his expression.

“Okay, so…” Peter kept repeating. “Okay, what do you call a… No, wait…”

Scott has a kid. His daughter was slightly younger than Peter and not as awkward, but raising a teen required patience, which Scott had built over time despite it quickly dwindling at that very moment.

“Right, what’s the _difference_ between an old bus station and a crab with big…” Peter puffed out his chest and pointed to it, rounding out his hands six inches from his pecs like holding large, invisible balloons.

“I don’t know,”Scott replied. “What _is_ the difference between an old bus station and a crab with giant tits?”

To his utter dismay, Peter guffawed out in laughter, unable to speak a word, though he tried. “One’s a…!” Peter began before thunking his head on the table and hitting his fist on the flat top next to his temple. He raised his head and tried again. “One’s a busty bust station…wait, no!” Again, there was a solid minute of Peter laughing so hard that Scott, at one point, thought the boy might have forgotten how to breath. One’s a brus-…crusty bus station, and the other’s a cru-b-busty br-crustacean!”

Scott wasn’t as perturbed by the poor timing except that Peter had shoved a spoon full of cereal into his mouth while continuing on his fragile narrative journey, causing milk to snort out his nose upon completion of the joke.

“Might want to practice that, Parker.” And then Scott went to go call his daughter, hoping for a more sensible conversation.

* * *

It was Black Widow who coined the term Premature Laughterbator.

“He can’t reach the climax of a joke without first blowing his cool,” she said with a slight sneer.

“What’s with all these matchbox cars lying out on the floor?” Clint complained as he maneuvered through the landmine of micro machines scattered throughout the training bay.

“He just watched Home Alone for the first time the other day,” she explained. “He asked if I’d ever seen ‘that old Christmas movie with the funny blond kid that gets left at home alone.’ He was damn near astounded when I nailed the title on the first guess.”

“It’s right there in the phrase.”

“Yeah. I was offended,” Natasha confirmed. She looked high up to the exposed beams of the ceiling. “Parker! We’re not falling for your prank! Get down here and pick these up!”

From within the shadow of the ceiling, Peter appeared with a grin too wide to wipe entirely off his face.

“What? Those aren’t mine…” he said as he jumped down to the floor and started gathering the cars up. “Gosh, how did these even get here? So wild…”

* * *

Somehow Rhodey and Doctor Strange were roped into standing around, listening to Peter botch another joke.

“Okay, so like, there’s this magician. And he’s up on stage doing his tricks…” Peter raised his hands and waggled his fingers. “And so the magician says:” Peter deepens his voice to a comical level, “I will make this bunny disappear in- oh, I forgot to say he’s holding a bunny - so the magician holds up his bunny and says: I will make this bunny disappear in uno, dos...Hold on! Did I mention the magician is Mexican?”

Rhodey, perturbed by this degree of ineptitude, glanced over at Doctor Strange and grew more miffed. The doctor’s body was there but his mind had definitely decided to be somewhere more enlightening. Rhodey was alone in his misery.

Peter continued. “Right. Where was I? Oh, yeah, the magician, _who is Mexican_ , holds his bunny and is like: ‘I will make this bunny, (hehheh) disappear in uno (hee), dos (haha)…”

By now Peter was giggling so hard his words could barely be understood. Rhodey waited, then looked at his watch.

“And then poof!” Peter laughed out, waving his hands out like fabricating a nuclear explosion. “The bunny disappeared before the magician could say three!”

“I believe you meant the bunny disappeared without a tres,” Rhodey replied.

“Huh?” Peter furrowed his brow and looked to the floor in thought. “Oh. Yeah! Funny, right?”

“Are you guys just standing around?” Nick Fury barked from across the room. Peter suddenly stood at attention, gulping down fear.

“No sir, Mr. Fury, sir!” he shouted out in a wavering voice. “I wouldn’t let you down like that, sir!”

Rhodey glanced at Peter with a roll of his eyes. The boy wasn’t just a premature laughterbator, he was also a relentless kiss-up.

“Nah,” Rhodey called back, snapping his fingers in front of Doctor Strange’s eyes. The sorcerer blinked once before pulling out of his meditation. “We were just on our way to the hangar.”

“What did the joke turn out to be?” the Doctor asked Rhodey once Peter was out of earshot.

“The joke was that I can’t project my mind to other places and you’re an asshole.”

* * *

“Hey, uh, can someone help me with this…thing…over here?”

Peter had stuck his head through the door of the meeting room where the rest of the Avengers were analyzing their next target. He quickly disappeared with a shit-eating grin and everyone sighed in exasperation.

“Are we really putting up with this?” Thor asked the group.

“He’s just a kid,” Steve tried to defend. “Let’s just let him act like a kid.”

“Yeah, he’s a kid with a six-million dollar crime-fighting spider suit,” Tony retorted. “Instead of wasting our time with his ridiculous pranks, it would work to his benefit if he just did his job.”

“Did his job?” Steve gawked. “What part of ‘kid’ do you not understand?”

“If I recall,” Bruce cut in, “you were trying hard to enlist in a world war at his age, weren’t you?”

“Well,” Steve mumbled, quirking his head side to side in a ‘maybe’, “I was mature for my age.”

Peter came back and poked his head through the door frame again. “C’mon! Can’t I get someone’s help?” He looked to Tony. “Mr. Stark?” He glanced towards Steve. “Captain?” Peter looked to Thor. He then turned back to Steve. “Captain?”

Steve exhaled long and slow out his nose, massaging his forehead with his red-gloved hands. “All right,” he capitulated, standing up from his chair. “Fine. I’ll do it.”

Peter loudly clapped one time and ran off. Steve followed him out. Ten seconds later there was maniacal laughter emanating from the hallway with a shout of ‘I GOT YOU GOOD!’ Cap came back in and sat down while loose feathers fell out of his hair.

“Plastic bucket perched on the door frame,” Steve explained. “At least it wasn’t water.”

* * *

“Do you want to hear a joke?”

It became the dreaded phrase.

“Nope,” Natasha said, popping the ‘p’. They all sat around the lunch table eating various sized meals. Peter had his bowl of Cookie Crisp cereal in front of him. The spoon he clutched in his hand shook in excitement about telling his next riddle.

“Aw, c’mon! Please?”

“No more jokes, kid,” Tony told Peter. “You’ll thank me later.”

“I’ll thank you now,” Bruce responded.

“You don’t like my jokes either, Dr. Banner?” Peter asked sadly.

“They make me irrationally angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

“But aren’t you angry all the time?” Clint retorted with a smile at the side of his mouth.

“I think he’s hangry,” Natasha joked, glancing at Bruce with a tease. “Maybe you ought to eat more, big guy.”

“Please, no one’s hangry like Thor.” Bruce pointed to the god. “Even the Hulk wouldn’t get in between him and a pint of ale.”

“Hey, you’re one to talk,” Thor chuckled. “I’ve seen you eat Hulk’s weight in shawarmas.”

“No, that was Steve,” Bruce laughed. “After we closed the wormhole over New York, Steve gobbled up that shawarma like it was his first and his last.”

“It _was_ my first shawarma!” Steve confirmed with a laugh. “We didn’t have those available in the forties.”

“Yeah, but I’ve seen you eat three of those things for breakfast, lunch and dinner in the same day,” Sam playfully accused.

“Blame Tony!” Steve pointed with a grin. “He’s the one that introduced them to me.”

“Just trying to culture your antiquated ass,” Tony quipped with a smirk.

“Watch out,” Rhodey responded. “That’s America’s ass you’re talking about.”

Natasha burst out laughing, which caused all the others to start laughing in unison. Steve stood up and patted his behind.

“American shawarmas sculpted this butt,” he retorted, sending another wave of laughter across the table.

“That’s a Mediterranean ass!” Peter cried out over the din, pointing to Cap’s derriere. Suddenly the laughter died and everyone was staring at Peter with dumbfounded expressions. Peter shrunk into himself and attempted an explanation. “Because shawarmas are usually made in Mediterranean countries?”

“Kid…” Tony said, shaking his head in disappointment. “I said no more jokes.”

The rest of lunch Peter spent in awkward silence.

* * *

Peter stopped making jokes. A week went by and he never once tried to wrangle someone into listening to one of his poor attempts.

“The kid looks depressed,” Steve said to Tony later on. “I think we were too hard on him. Maybe we should encourage him to at least try to improve rather than shut out his jokes.”

“Let’s just give him a few more days,” Tony insisted, though not without a hint of concern. “Maybe he’ll snap out of it. Then we’ll have Spider-man back and - bonus!- we won’t have to listen to his shitty jokes.”

The alarm suddenly went off and both men scrambled towards the quinjet.

Three hours and a safer New York later, the Avengers were assembled around the smoldering ashes of a vanquished foe.

“Did that seem easy to anyone else?” War Machine asked, cocking his shoulder cannon away from the smoking fodder.

“FUN!” Hulk exclaimed, smashing a fist into the ground and catapulting up clumps of dirt.

“Knock it off, Green Giant! Go eat your beans.” Nick Fury came striding through the circle of heroes to look down into the crater of what had once been a villain. “I don’t think this guy’s coming back to haunt us anytime soon.”

“I’m sure I can make a simulation of him,” Tony assured a sad-looking Hulk. “You can smash him everyday if it makes you feel better.”

“TONY GOOD FRIEND.”

“Save your hugs for later,” Fury said, protruding a tablet from his back pocket and powering up a list. “Roll call! Iron Man!”

“Aye.”

“Captain America!”

“Here!”

“Black Widow!”

“Yes.”

“Spider-Man!”

“Present!”

“War Machine!”

“Yeah.”

“Hawkeye!”

“Yo.”

“Thor!”

“Of course.”

“Ant-Man!”

“Huh?”

“Hulk!”

“HEE-UR.”

“Doctor Strange!”

“Attending.”

“Falcon!”

“Why am I last?”

“Good. We’re all accounted for,” Fury said, placing his tablet back in his pocket. “Now get your asses back to base before it starts to rain!”

“Afraid you’ll melt?” Peter deadpanned.

Silence.

Everyone gaped at Spider-Man in wide-eyed shock. A solid five seconds passed as Nick Fury glared hard at the boy. Even with only one eye, the man’s stare was fear-inducing.

Natasha flickered her sight to Clint who caught her eye. Both managed to hold back with trembling smiles until they simultaneously burst out, doubled over in laughter.

Tony, Steve, Sam, Scott, and Rhodey quickly followed up with their own howls, falling onto each other, laughing until they had tears slipping down their faces. Bruce was in a stage between man and monster, and he stomped the ground as he laughed with hard guffaws. Thor clutched his hammer and laughed madly into the sky.

Only Doctor Strange hid his smile behind his hand, pretending to be above such childish behavior.

It took a good while for the laughter to die away enough for Nick Fury to snap them in order. “Quiet!”

They all stood at attention, unable to stifle their amused grins.

Nick stalked to Peter who stood motionless, hoping to somehow become invisible by the naked eye. Especially Nick Fury’s.

“Two things, Parker,” Fury told him, holding up one finger. “You caught me on a good day.” He held up a second finger. “That’s the only good zinger you’ve ever told. Now get your scrawny, teenage, mutherfuckin’ ass back to base!”

“Y-yes, sir!” Peter saluted, too frozen to move.

Nick stomped back to the jet. Tony passed Peter, slapping a hand up against his back. “You got lucky, kid. Good one, but lucky.”

“Totally worth it,” Natasha affirmed as she ruffled his hair.

“That was solid and brutal, my man,” Sam laughed.

“Probably best to give Mr. Fury his space for the moment,” Doctor Strange advised, though not without a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

“Might melt,” Steve winked. “I got that reference.”

Thor came up and slapped him on the back. “Today, you became a man.”

“That was worlds better than your last joke,” Rhodey confirmed.

“Didn't know you had it in you,” Scott said, giving him a thumbs up.

“FUNNY!” the Hulk cheered, clapping his giant hand on Peter’s shoulder.

“You don’t know Home Alone, but you reference Wizard of Oz?” Clint shook his head. “You’re an odd one, Peter.”

“Wizard of what?” Peter asked. He stared back at them in confusion as they headed to the quinjet. With furrowed brow he tried to come up with a reason why everyone misunderstood him when he tried to imply that Nick Fury was made of sugar…

**Author's Note:**

> Let's just pretend Thor has seen the Wizard of Oz.
> 
> Thank you to anyone who read this!


End file.
